Acting like a grownup

I don't think there is such a thing as a perfect parent. We all screw up once in a while. All we can do is hope that we get it right more often than we screw up. I see nothing wrong with making mistakes in parenting. I do, however, think it's reasonable to expect each person to take responsibility for the welfare of their own children.

Here's an example: I took my kids to the beach today. There was another little boy there, around three years old, playing around in the water. After the second time he was knocked over by a wave and I had to pull him out of the water, I asked him where his parents were. He said, "Over there!" and pointed down the beach. At a woman a good 30 yards down the beach, lying back in a chair, with a towel over her face. Seriously, who lets their three year old in the water when they are not only not with them, but not even watching?!? After a while I wondered if she had fallen asleep, and politely let her know that her son was about to drown, she yelled at him, "I told you to stay here! Don't leave without me again!" Then leaned back in her chair and put the towel over her face again.

My point is that our society has become so lazy, they often don't even feel an obligation to raise their own children anymore. This is not just about safety, although that is possibly the most important part of it. It's about making the time and the effort to ensure that your child is ready to join society at some point. We assume someone else will take care of the problem - either the schools, the community, other relatives, or in the case of this poor kid at the beach, a complete stranger.

The problem is that we have become extremely self-centered. Parents used to ensure that kids had manners, responsibility, values, an education, and a safe environment. All of that takes a lot of work, and many parents today are so desperate for a break from work, they let the rest go. Well, guess what? You're a parent now - your needs are no longer the priority. I don't care how tired you are when you come home from work. If your kid needs help with his homework, you help him. You do not let him skip it for one night and assume the teacher will catch him up. If your child is misbehaving, you solve the problem. You do not throw your hands in the air, say, "I can't do anything with her!" and go back to watching television. I don't expect every child who is entering kindergarten to be a voracious reader, but there is no reason why they shouldn't be able to identify at least some letters, colors, and shapes, as well as writing their first name. And "He didn't qualify for Head Start" is not an excuse - you are more than capable of talking to that child about what color his shirt is, or show him the letters you see on a sign.

Yes, it's a daunting task. Yes, it's overwhelming. And yes, everyone needs some time off once in a while. But if you don't get that time off, then you just don't get it. Get over yourself and realize that your first responsibility is toward your children, not yourself. High school is over - it's way past time to stop being lazy and selfish.

The importance of freedom of religion

I learned something new today. Normally I like learning new things. But this was the first time in a very long time that I learned something I genuinely didn't want to know. Having grown up in southeast Kentucky and south Georgia, I'm more familiar than I would like to be with outright bigotry. I always thought it was limited to a few people, most of whom I wouldn't want to associate with anyway. Today, though, I learned that it is more widespread than I originally thought.

I didn't realize that there are intelligent, educated people out there who genuinely believe we should not have freedom of religion. Apparently freedom is good, but their choices should be "limited". Really? Because I thought that the freedom to worship as one chose was the reason the Pilgrims came to America in the first place. And the Quakers. And many of the Irish Catholics. And the Jews during the Holocaust. Hell, where would our country be without religious freedom? Would we even have a country?

Who the hell is one person to decide that everyone should HAVE to choose that particular religion? Isn't this how the holocaust started? This brings me to another concern. After 9/11, I think a backlash against Muslims was expected, if not acceptable. I expected it to blow over in a month or so. It hasn't. I'm seeing a growing movement against Islam in general, which ignores the fact that the vast majority of muslims are not terrorists. (For the record, not all Christians are abortion clinic bombers or Westboro Baptist Church members either, but I digress.) It's not getting better, it's getting worse. People don't want "them" living in their neighborhoods. Well known political leaders openly announce that they would not hire a Muslim. People get uncomfortable if they see them praying in public. (I don't remember ever seeing a Muslim complain about a Christian family praying at a restaurant before dinner). They go to great lengths to ensure that only certain religions can build houses of worship in their area.

Wake up and read your history. We need to stop this right now. If we don't, all it will take is one extremely articulate political leader to start it all over again.

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out --
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out --
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out --
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me -- and there was no one left to speak for me.

-Pastor Martin Niemoller, Holocaust victim.

The Terrorists are Coming! Oh, Wait. . . .

I live in a fairly small town, deep in the heart of the Bible Belt. This is a deeply Southern Baptist town. The Baptists generally tolerate Methodists without much issue, but that's about it. As a teenager, I rebelled against my parents and joined a Southern Baptist church. They didn't understand it, but I guess they figured there were worse things I could be doing. In bible study, we were taught that Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, and Catholics weren't true Christians, but were actually cults. Seriously. Cults. Like, David Koresh, holed up in a compound with guns, FBI stand-off cults.

For some reason, Jewish people are oddly tolerated by the Baptists. I was told it was because they were "God's Chosen People," but unless they accepted Jesus as their lord and savior, they were going to hell, too. I never really was able to reconcile that. Also, because of the redneck, football, Baptist, culture, I find it surprising we've had a synagogue in our town for over a hundred years. It's not hidden in the outskirts of town, either. It's smack dab in the middle of town, and I can't ever recall anyone messing with them. The Mormons, on the other hand, decided they would also build a church in town, and all hell broke loose. The whole town became hysterical over it, but that was years ago, and the controversy has died down.

The next controversy is beginning. I was completely unaware that we had any sort of significant Muslim population in town, until today. Someone I know had posted the link to the website of an Islamic group that is trying to build themselves a mosque. In town. Near the college. I checked out the website, and it is modest, as are their building plans. They have also posted some of their legal documents, like their Articles of Organization, which is how I learned that they actually started to get serious about organizing two years ago. I suspect this is starting to make waves because they might be coming close to a goal of breaking ground. I honestly don't know, but I know my conservative Southern Baptist town well enough to suspect.

Fundamentalists ruin everything for everyone that isn't a fanatic, and the Christians seem to have a very spotty memory when it comes to their history. I think it would be great for this town to have more diversity, instead of just preaching whatever fits your current judgment of others. The very first thing you read at the very top of our Islamic Center's website is: Assalaamu-a’laikum (Peace Be Upon You). Welcome to our website. The Valdosta Islamic Center is a not-for-profit organization which strives to serve the religious, educational, and social needs of the growing Muslim community of the greater Valdosta Area. Also we reach out to the people of other faiths, convey the true principles and concepts of Islam, and build strong relationships with private, business, and public institutions around the area.

I guess we'd better hide our kids, hide our wives, because they're coming for us.

Thoughts on priorities...

America has one of the highest standards of living in the world. We have nice houses, pretty cars, and designer clothes. More importantly, we have good health care, and at least in theory, good education for our children. (After the past year, I'm having doubts about that last one....but that's another post for another day). But lately I have been wondering if maybe all of this luxury is actually bad for us as a society. Before you jump down my throat over this, let me explain.

As a child, I lived with my grandparents for a while. They live in this tiny house in a tiny coal mining town in Kentucky. This house was so tiny, as an adult I can walk from one end of it to the other in about twelve large steps. While I was there, most of my clothes came from Wal-Mart, or hand-me-downs from relatives. I had some toys, but not a quarter of what either of my kids has now. My building blocks were leftover pieces from my grandfather's woodworking that had been sanded down so I didn't get splinters. My grandmother grew most of our vegetables in the back yard. We didn't have cable, a dishwasher, a microwave, or even a shower - just a bath, which was never to be filled more than about three inches to save on the water bill. I know, most people reading this are thinking that this must have been awful for a small child. But here's the thing. It wasn't. It was awesome. Not because of the lifestyle itself, but because it took so little to make me happy. If Grandpa brought home a candy bar for me, it was like Christmas. If I got to take a trip over the mountain to go shopping, I felt like a world traveler. I doubt my kids would be so happy about such little things.

The house is another huge point in this argument. My house isn't huge, but it's a decent size. Way bigger than the one my grandparents live in. Everyone has space to get away from everyone and do their own thing - which seems like it would be good. But I think it occasionally causes the family to be a bit disconnected. If my husband is in the bedroom playing a video game, I'm playing on Facebook, my daughter is in her room drawing a picture, and my son is in his room blaring his Michael Jackson CD's, I feel that there is a lack of bonding. I'm not saying one should never have their own space, by any means. Just that maybe completely isolating yourself is not the way to go. I often sat in my room with the door closed at Grandma's house. But if something interesting happened, or if someone got hurt, or if dinner was ready, I was close enough to know what was going on. Sometimes it was simply an interesting conversation that I wanted to be a part of.

Grandma always wanted to be a teacher. It didn't happen, because of a number of things - not the least of which was the fact that she just thought it was important to be home for her children. And eventually, her grandchildren as well. Even on a teacher's salary, she would have made more than my grandfather, a coal miner who was ripped off at every turn by the coal companies (yet another post for another day). Many people would have spent their life lamenting the loss of an opportunity to do what they loved. Instead, she dealt with the little she had, and taught her children and grandchildren to read, write, and do math long before kindergarten. So which would you rather have, a big paycheck? Or an education? I'm not saying that everyone should stay home with their children. I don't. I do think, however, that if "stuff" was less of an issue, children would become more of a priority in our society.

On a larger scale, I think our society has problems with prioritizing. People don't have time to give a crap about their child's education, then wonder why the child is failing. We don't know how to fix things anymore, because we can call someone to do it for us. I can't sew or garden. We're horribly wasteful. We have very limited capacity for waiting for anything, which is why so many people are in trouble with credit cards and car loans. Honestly, if society collapsed tomorrow and we were forced to keep ourselves alive, my grandparents would probably survive longer than I would.

So is a bigger house, nicer clothes, and more options for entertainment really such a good thing? I remember feeling crazy in my grandparents' house as a teenager, because I knew that they had some extra money saved up, but would not spend it on central A/C or a real shower. A few years later when my aunt died, they still had that money to have her body moved to Kentucky and buried there. I don't think they would have taken a flatscreen television over that. Now that I'm a little older, I'm starting to think they may have had the right idea. Experiences are way more important than things, and I never missed out on an experience. And all the space in this house is nothing more than extra stuff that has to be cleaned.

Pretty

Growing up, I was always the ugly kid. I was too skinny. My hair was too short. I didn't wear the right clothes. Somewhere in my twenties, someone told me I was pretty, so I tried. I had pictures taken so I could prove that I once was. Now, in my thirties, I have acne, flab from a baby, and no one checks me out anymore. I can't remember the last time that someone told me I was pretty. Is this the doom of all women? Men get better looking, and women just get old and used up?

Learning

I love to learn, almost anything. I never want to be to old to learn.

I love to cooking, photography & knitting. I have many other passions in life, but those are the ones I seem to focus on, plus learning. Everyone has a passion, that they love to do. I immerse my self in my hobbies as an escape from day to day life or just to enjoy life more. Isn't that why we have hobbies?

The poor, pitiful military spouse

Let me start this post by saying that I have been married to a Marine for eight years. I've been through deployments, security forces, and recruiting duty. I've seen my husband go to really good units, as well as really bad ones. I even flat out told my husband's boss once that he was a giant asshole, and he agreed with me. I have two children, who don't always understand what is going on with their daddy. The Marines have made me cry more often than any single human being I have ever met. So what I am about to say is not just the ramblings of an outsider. I have a good idea of what I am talking about.

So let's get to the point. Military wives piss me off. Not all of them, of course. I have some really good friends who are military wives, and I love them to death. But there is a reason I don't go to the spouse events that they have all the time. I don't want to be associated with most of these people. So I've compiled a few pointers for how to not be a sad, pathetic, and annoying military wife.

1. Stop making it all about you. You are not a "hero" because you stay home and watch children. Don't get me wrong, if you're doing it for the right reasons, it is admirable. But seriously, not a big deal. Not even if your husband is a Marine. I see stickers all over town that say, "Marine Wife: Toughest Job in the Corps." Really? I don't know what you do in your daily life, but I don't believe I've ever had anyone try to kill me during my daily routine. I don't have to carry a 60 pound backpack when I'm doing my job. And if someone dies while I'm at work, I can call someone to pick them up. I don't have to throw them over my shoulder and hope I can move fast enough to escape with a body on my back. Yeah, I would say that makes a lot of military jobs a little tougher than mine.

2. Stop acting like a middle school student with a secret club. One of the reasons I don't do social events with the wives of the people my husband works with is because they look down their noses at newcomers. I have gone to events with people who enthusiastically called, emailed, and facebooked me, practically begging me to meet them. Then when I got there, I was treated like a leper.

3. Don't pity yourself. Deployment sucks. It's month after month of anxiety, anger, resentment, and confusion. If you need to whine about it occasionally, do so. But if every word you say has to do with how long your husband has been gone, it gets annoying and no one will want to talk to you.

4. Check your patriotism at the door. It's great to be proud of your husband. But a newborn in dress blues looks creepy, not cute. If your husband is in New Orleans cleaning up after a hurricane, that's awesome - but he's not defending our freedom, so stop telling everyone that he is. Just because your husband is in Iraq does not mean people do not have the right to think it's a stupid war. Because it is. And for goodness sake, stop turning every religious, cultural, and otherwise fun holiday into "a time to remember the troops." Seriously, you're ruining the holiday for everyone.

5. Grow the hell up. If you can't manage to live on your own for six months, why did you marry a Marine? Did he not tell you what he did for a living before you got married? Living in mom and dad's basement at 30 years old is pathetic, even if it's only while he is deployed. Stop whining, stop using guilt and forced patriotism to get people to do things for you, get off your butt, and take care of yourself and your children. Learn to change a lightbulb. Learn to change a tire. Learn to do yard work. That's what grown-ups do.

6. Keep your legs closed during the deployments. It's a common problem, but I don't think I need to elaborate any farther.

7. Quit being an idiot. The guy who shows up at your door asking to use the phone, then comes inside and comments on your electronics, your alarm system and your deployed husband is not just there to use the phone. You idiots who fall for this are the reason that people target military wives - because they think I am just as stupid as you are.

8. Stop asking for special priviledges. If your phone rings during a movie, and it's your husband calling from wherever he is this week, you still need to leave the theatre to talk to him. No one should HAVE to go to your fourth of July barbecue because you are a military family. And if you don't pay your bills, things will (and should) still get repossessed. Don't call the news and have them do a story about the poor Marine Spouse who lost her car because, even though she is getting several hundred extra dollars a month, she didn't pay for it and the mean ol' bank took it away.

It's a unique lifestyle, and it can be a little tough at first. But as you're sitting on the couch, watching Lifetime movies and eating ice cream while feeling sorry for yourself, there are thousands of people who have it way worse. You are a single parent for only seven months. You have a place to live, a steady paycheck, free medical care, cheap groceries, cheap day care, scholarship programs specifically for you, and an amazing support system, all provided by the Marines. Next time you think you have it bad, tell it to the single mom who can't get her child support, works too many hours to spend time with her disabled child, and doesn't know where next month's rent, her next meal, or her child's medical care will come from.

Getting Started

This is blog is by southern women who are opinionated & daring. I hope the world is ready for us!